ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL

Tarendol · mercenary Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 14

Yesterday I was really bored doing research and Icarus was really bored getting ready for work /working so to amuse the both of us I started a series of adventures with Kandar and Cial.

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL I

Kandar rescues Cial from the rough streets of Mos Eisley. Later, in
Kandar's apartment:

Cial: Are... are you going to rape me?

Kandar: Dude what the fuck? Of course not!

Cial: Cause I heard it's like getting a needle stuck in you, and I could
really use that right about now

Kandar: Man it wouldn't be like a needle with me... hey what the fuck??

Cial: Dude can I play with your blaster? I mean they look really fun.

Kandar: ......

Cial: COME ON I promise not to destroy anything with it I just want to
activate my spice come on come on come on come on it will be awesome come on

Kandar: I should have rescued the jawa....

TO BE CONTINUED

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL II

Cial: Kandar! Kandar! Guess what?

Kandar: Don't tell me, you actually cleaned that coat of yours?

Cial: No man don't be stupid. I signed up for the speederbike race next
week! Winning that's going to give me all the spice I can use in
like...a week.

Kandar: [Just stares, mouth open]

Cial: Yeah man I can't believe it either. Shouldn't be too hard either,
just don't run into any walls right? And I have a cunning plan.

Kandar: Oh by the great mother of space no no no no....

Cial: See, it's like this [Pulls out a whiteboard, marker, and pointer]
So we'll arrive a little early at the track, check things out a
little...are you following me? So...dude, have you ever seen a sarlacc?
I heard this one guy fell into one once and...

Kandar: The cunning plan?

Cial: Hmmm? Oh yeah! So we'll arrive at the track and check out the
other bikes, should be easy to modify mine to match right?

Kandar: You actually have a bike?

Cial: Dude trust me I know a guy, I found some parts in the trash behind
the track and he's gonna recycle them into a bike for me, it'll be
awesome. Okay so we'll have a good ten minutes to upgrade the bike, and
then you come in. You like girls and guys right?

Kandar: I've explained the rape thing to you, Cial. You're not my type.

Cial: No no man, I mean you don't mind taking your clothes off in front of people right? So when the
race's about to begin, you get out there and take off all your clothes.

Kandar: WHAT THE FUCK

Cial: Dude don't be embarrassed I saw you in the shower the other day, I
mean I don't like that kind of thing but I know the other racers will
start... like what is it when do when you really like someone?
Like...flapping? Yeah. They'll start doing that and then I can start the
race and win. This plan cannot fail.

Kandar: YOU SAW ME IN THE SHOWER WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Cial: Is that a yes?

TO BE CONTINUED

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL III

At the speederbike track

Kandar: Dude listen to me. You are going to get KILLED. Do you hear me?

Cial: Man chill out I have it covered riding a bike's like falling off a
moisture condensator and anyway this spice I have gives me telepathic
powers I won't have trouble.

Kandar: Can you read what I'm thinking right now [Kandar thinks really
hard *YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON*]

Cial: You're thinking what a genius I am for this plan. And oh man stop
thinking about my ass!

Kandar: I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR ASS [All the other speederbike
racers turn to look]

Cial: Now... where's my bike... oh here it is, awesome!! [Points to the
junkiest bike imaginable] Man this is gonna rock.

Kandar, shaking his head: That thing isn't even going to get off the
ground, Cial.

[Cial gets on the bike and tries unsuccessfully to start it. He then
closes his eyes and holds out his hands, concentrating his "spice
powers" on it as he keeps hitting the starter. Suddenly, it comes to life!]

Cial: Yeah I told you I had powers!

Kandar: You are fucking insane do you know that?

Cial: Aw man I love you too. [Moves the bike to the starting line,
jerking and sputtering the whole way] Dude this thing doesn't even need
an upgrade! Hahahahah victory here I come!

Kandar: I am NOT taking off my clothes for you. NO.

Cial: Dude come on it'll be fun come on come on come on come on come on
come on come on come on come on come on please please please please
please please please please please...

Kandar: NO NO NO

HALF AN HOUR LATER, KANDAR IS NUDE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRACK

Kandar: WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME.

Narrator: And so, Cial's cunning plan came to fruition. He hit a wall
less than 10 meters away from the starting position at less than a meter
per minute, causing no damage but revealing a packet of spice hidden in
one of the junk parts. Kandar was cited for public exposure and had to
pay a 100 credit fine, but he was asked out by three of the speederbike
racers. Cial got completely wasted AGAIN.

Kandar: Well, Cial, I don't know how the hell you did it, but your plan
actually...somehow...worked.

Cial: Oh dude dude dude I can fucking see tastes

TO BE CONTINUED

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL IV

Cial: Kandar, what's wrong with me?

Kandar: Oh by the gods what ISN'T wrong with you?

Cial: I mean, why don't you like me.

Kandar: Dude. I let you live here.

Cial: I mean why don't you LIKE me. I mean you had... all three of those
racers in here over the last month.

Kandar: Cial, for one thing you are way too young. For another, you
don't fucking wash that coat of yours. For another, look at yourself.

Cial: Man what the hell I like this coat shut up. Anyway, help me meet a
girl.

Kandar: [*laughs hysterically*]

Cial: Dude fuck you.

Kandar: Like I just said, no. Man what the hell you want to meet a girl
for real?

Cial: Well it's this spice that gives me powers, right? I had a vision
that I'd meet an awesome girl and she'd help get me more spice.

Kandar: Wait... you want to meet a girl so you can get more spice? Not
for anything else?

Cial: Dude all that grunting and shit coming out of your bedroom... man
I'll stick to spice.

Kandar: I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO TAKE A WALK WHY WERE YOU IN THE APARTMENT

Cial: Dude and seriously I didn't need to see that you should have
closed the door I mean the two girls were okay I guess but seeing you
with a guy really just made me hit the spice not like I wasn't going to
hit the spice but you know there's hitting the spice and HITTING it and
I was definitely doing the latter shit that was a good hit too I thought
I was gonna fly through space or something hey Kandar you ever flown
through space I know you've been around I've heard there is some awesome
spice on other planets and I really want to check it out for like
science and stuff spread the love throughout all the cosmos man I'm like
a philanthropist of spice

Kandar: [*Going to get his blaster*]

Cial: Oh awesome I can play with your blaster now?

TO BE CONTINUED
_________________
Paired opposites define your longings and those longings imprison you. - The Zensunni Whip

TheGreyRonin · Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 9:55 pm Post subject:

Oh man, I've been laughing so hard....

You are a very funny man, Taren.
_________________
"Falling from Heaven is not nearly so painful as surviving the fall..."

Tarendol · mercenary Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 14

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL V

Cial: Hey Kandar look what I found in the trash over near the imperial garrison [*holds out a thermal detonator*]

Kandar: OH FUCK

Cial: Yeah pretty sweet right? When I hit this switch it makes all kinds of colors and shit it's fun.

Kandar: Cial. That is a thermal detonator. You need to give it to me right now.

Cial: I see how it is my ass isn't good enough for you but this trash is?

Kandar: CIAL. GIVE ME THE THERMAL DETONATOR.

Cial: [*Hits the switch causing it to flash and hum*] Man you have no idea how awesome this is if you are high.

Kandar: CIAL YOU ARE GOING TO GET US BOTH KILLED GIVE ME THE FUCKING THERMAL DETONATOR RIGHT NOW

Cial: [*swaying slightly from the sensory overload*] woah woah woah not so loud man just ask nicely

Kandar: ... please give me the thermal detonator before it kills both of us?

Cial: No man you know what I want

Kandar: Fuck you

Cial: [*keeps swaying*]

Kandar: ...

Kandar: ...

Kandar: ...

Kandar: You have a nice ass, Cial.

Cial: Man I knew it I rock everyone wants a piece of me[*hands over the detonator*]

Kandar: I hate you so fucking much
_________________
Paired opposites define your longings and those longings imprison you. - The Zensunni Whip

icarus · Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 11:56 pm Post subject:

A CUNNING PLAN?
OR JUST COINCIDENTAL IDIOCY?

TheGreyRonin · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:08 am Post subject:

*loses ability to speak from laughter*
_________________
"Falling from Heaven is not nearly so painful as surviving the fall..."

Tarendol · mercenary Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 14

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL VI

Cial: Kandar, where do babies come from?

Kandar: [*sighs*] That's something you should ask...[*suddenly thinks to himself 'I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN..."*] oh yeah I should teach you about it, it's dangerous

Cial: Woah dangerous?

Kandar: See when a girl and guy don't want a kid everything's fine, see? But when the female wants a kid, she bites the guys member right off

Cial: OH FUCK seriously?

Kandar: Yeah and I've heard it hurts so bad lots of men go insane and die from it

Cial: damn that's some heavy... wait then how do people have more than one kid?

Kandar: ...uh...see the female stores it inside herself so she can get more whenever she wants. Oh yeah and the male becomes her slave too.

Cial: yeah I've seen lots of that

Kandar: I'm telling you this because I like you and I never want this to happen to you - I'm a pro and can avoid it but you need to stay away from girls okay?

Cial: Yeah man thanks! I really appreciate it I'm never going to reproduce

Kandar: Just looking out for you man [*thinks to himself* "...WHICH CANNOT FAIL"*]

TO BE CONTINUED
_________________
Paired opposites define your longings and those longings imprison you. - The Zensunni Whip

icarus · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:56 am Post subject:

tare i love you
take me now

Tarendol · mercenary Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 14

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL VII

Cial: Soooooo Kandar...

Kandar: Do you want to know where Jawa come from now?

Cial: [*shakes his head*] I...uh...saw you with...

Kandar: You saw me with?

Cial: Two very...hairy...things....

Kandar: [*laughs*] Ohhh you mean those bear women! Yeah they were nice and warm if you get what I mean [*winks*]

Cial: Dude they had FUCKING BEARDS what the hell is wrong with you?

Kandar: Man they aren't so bad! You only have to worry if you get one after they shave, then they are all stubbly and prickly against you.

Cial:[*shudders*] Kandar what the hell

Kandar: I heard one of them say that they had a friend interested in you, she'll be around later

Cial: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO

Kandar: Don't worry man she just wants to cuddle a bit, nothing nasty at all. I'm watching out for you

Cial: [*trying to get to the door as Kandar blocks him*] Dude I'm not kidding get out of my way. Seriously dude let me out.

Kandar: Awwww are you afraid of a little snuggling with her? She'll let you braid her beard if you ask

Cial: Please please please let me out Kandar I'm begging you please DO NOT FUCKING WANT

Kandar: Maybe if you ask nicely.

Cial: ..... Kandar is this about the thermal detonator thing? Because I do have a nice ass and I was just trying to get you to admit it.

Kandar: Is that bearded footsteps I hear?

Cial: ..... seriously dude don't make me do this

Kandar: Come on. Make me feel it.

Cial: ....Kandar you have a huge [deleted] okay? I saw it in the fucking shower. Now let me out!

Kandar: Man I dunno it doesn't sound like you mean it

Cial: IT'S THE BIGGEST FUCKING [deleted] IN THIS SYSTEM I WISH I COULD [deleted deleted deleted] IT AND I KNOW ALL THE WOMEN ON THE DAMN PLANET WANT TO [deleted] AND [deleted deleted] WITH IT ALL DAY LONG

Kandar: [*steps out of the way*] Okay man, you can go

Cial: [*runs as fast as he can away from the apartment*]

Kandar: Heh heh heh

SOME TIME LATER

Bearded Lady: [*trying to find Cial*] Awwww he was so cute...

Kandar: Ohhh don't give up, he's just playing hard to get.

Cial: [*still running*] FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

TO BE CONTINUED
_________________
Paired opposites define your longings and those longings imprison you. - The Zensunni Whip

TheGreyRonin · Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 4:54 am Post subject:

OMG! That is too funny!
_________________
"Falling from Heaven is not nearly so painful as surviving the fall..."

icarus · Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:52 am Post subject:

HAHAHAHAHAH OW XD

Tarendol · mercenary Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 14

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL VIII

[*the lights suddenly go out, leaving the apartment in darkness*]

Kandar: Shit Cial do you have a light?

Cial: No man something even better I picked this up the other day [*fires a blaster at the ceiling, illuminating the room for a brief moment*]

Kandar: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Cial: Don't worry dude nobody lives upstairs anyway. [*fires the blaster over and over as he walks around the apartment, blowing holes in the ceiling but making it easy to see obstacles as he goes to his room*]

Kandar: [*calling after him*] YOU FORGOT THE CUNNING IN YOUR FUCKING PLAN CIAL

Cial: [*calling back*] DID IT FAIL DUDE?

Kandar: ... shit

TO BE CONTINUED
_________________
Paired opposites define your longings and those longings imprison you. - The Zensunni Whip

icarus · Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 6:54 am Post subject:

seriously rule number 1 in this game should be DONT GIVE CIAL A GUN

Tarendol · mercenary Joined: 09 Oct 2007 Posts: 14

ADVENTURES OF KANDAR AND CIAL IX

[Cial walks in, staggering and covered in slime]

Cial: ...

Kandar: I told you that...

Cial: Shut the fuck up. Just shut up. Don't say a fucking word.

Kandar: I'm just saying...

Cial: SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU LEFT ME ALONE WITH THAT THING. FUCK YOU.

Kandar: So things went...well? With the Hutt?

Cial: Dude. I don't even know what the hell just happened. Imagine swimming in a sea of stinky, slimy, UNDULATING FUCKING FAT. That is what just went well asshole.

Kandar: [*thinking to himself*] I thought the Hutt were asexual...

Cial: Dude. Bacteria are fucking asexual. Fungi are fucking asexual. I AM FUCKING ASEXUAL. [*holds up a hand covered in slime*] DOES THIS LOOK ASEXUAL TO YOU? DOES IT?

Kandar: [*struggling not to laugh*] Dude I told you not to buy that Hutt a drink.

Cial: I. WAS. HIGH.

Kandar: [*starting to laugh*] ahahahah did you at least use protection man? ahahahahaha

Cial: ...yes I was carrying my blaster. FOR ALL THE FUCKING GOOD IT DID ME.

Kandar: Today, you are a man. [*loses control and starts rolling on the ground*]

Cial: ...

TO BE CONTINUED
_________________
Paired opposites define your longings and those longings imprison you. - The Zensunni Whip

icarus · Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 8:35 am Post subject:

going to kill you

icarus · Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:56 am Post subject:

PART ONE IN AUDIO FORMAT

STARRING TARE AS KANDAR
CYPRESS AS THE NARRATOR
AND YOURS TRULY AS CIAL

THE ADVENTURS OF KANDAR AND CIAL: PART I